Cloudy with a chance of...

(This entry was written in bed with my iPhone at 11pm on Saturday, August 17, 2013.)

The dark cloud surrounding my work the last couple years hasn't even lifted and now another dark cloud has formed. The threat of this one is even scarier.

I went to my first screening mammogram on August 10.  With no known family history of breast cancer and having never felt anything remotely peculiar with my self examinations, I went to the mammogram with no doubt in my mind the result will be negative. This was just going to be another routine that I, like all other women, have to go through.

Results from the mammogram were not expected for 2-4 weeks.  I was surprised to get a call from the CPMC Breast Health Center just 4 days later on August 14 that they had already reviewed my X-rays.  I was even more surprised (shocked really) to hear that they saw something suspicious and would like me to return for further testing.  Normally this would have plunged me into a deep worry and all sorts of end-of-the-world scenarios would have filled my thoughts.  Fortunately a couple of my close friends had warned me prior to the mammogram that women our age usually have denser breast tissues and tend to yield higher than normal "false positive" results on their first mammograms.  In fact the statistic is at 40% false positives.  Having known this information beforehand helped me to stay calm upon receiving that otherwise dreadful call.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all.  But it did prevent the panic from setting in right away.  I calmly told myself to take it one step at a time.  Go back for more testing and see what comes out of it.

On Friday, August 16, I went back to the Breast Health Center, this time for a diagnostic mammogram, which consists of more X-rays from many different angles.  I was hoping these pictures would clear the air of what they thought to have looked suspicious and they would send me home with a clean bill of health, which is something I've grown accustomed to and have taken for granted almost all 38 years of my life.  Unfortunately that didn't happen.  The extra shots from all the different angles proved there is indeed a mass of tissue that we need to be concerned with.

They then sent me into another room to perform a breast ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician zoomed into the area of concern and pointed out to me what she called a breast lump followed by some medical term that I cannot grasp nor remember even on a normal day, let along at a time when I was lying on a medical table being told "omg you have this thing here that doesn't belong".  I asked if she thought it was benign.  She said yes it probably is.  I asked why.  She said because it is so smooth and oval.  Cancerous cells are usually odd-shaped.  This appeased me a little but not enough.  Worry is starting to set in.

The Radiologist (who I never got to meet) suggested I go for a biopsy.  I scheduled it for Wednesday, August 21.  It will be a 30-minute outpatient procedure but they said to plan on being there for a total of 2 hours.  The doctor will apply local anesthesia to the breast, insert a needle while being guided by ultrasound and extract a small amount of tissue for laboratory analysis.  Results will be available after 2-3 days.

At this point the panic button is officially pressed.  It's been about 40 hours since the confirmation of the unknown lump.  Since then I've secretly cried twice.  Tears are forming again as I compose this blog. The few people who I've confided with told me success stories of their family members or friends who had experienced the same thing and are now living normal and healthy lives.  I once again tell myself to take it one step at a time and await the biopsy results.  But I can't help but think thoughts like my kids are just 3 and 1, I need to stick around to watch them grow up.  I have to watch them go to kindergarten, graduate from college, get married. I recently showed Chloe my preserved wedding gown.  I want to see her wear it when she walks down the aisle.  They are so young, if I leave them now, they may not even remember what I look like when they get older.  How is Randy going to manage raising them by himself?   He can't even handle it when I'm around.  He would be a wreck without me.  I even looked into my life insurance policy, which I purchased many years ago before I got married/bought a house/had kids. The death benefit isn't enough to cover the principal of our mortgage.  I can't leave Randy with two young kids to raise AND a mortgage to pay off all by himself.  I can't leave right now!!!  (Note I am refusing to use the D word.)

The biopsy result must come back positively.  Not positive, but positively, as in the lump is benign and I don't have to worry anymore.  As in I will be able to live to see my kids grow up.  As in I don't need to rush to up my life insurance policy (although it is still a good idea and I will still look into it).

So...my forecast these days is cloudy with a chance of...

Knowing Their Roots

By ethnicity, my children are 75% Chinese and 25% Japanese.  But I know that growing up in America, they will most likely behave, speak, and overall conduct themselves as 100% American.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I just hope to instill in them the importance of recognizing their roots.  

I am very fortunate to be raised by immigrant parents who taught my brothers and me our Chinese traditions and customs.  I grew up knowing I am both American and Chinese.  I speak and write both languages.  I know the customs and values of both cultures. Sometimes I recognize with one culture more strongly than with the other but other times the reverse occurs.  I am proud of this dual identity.

While I've already given in to the fact that my children will never be fluent in the Chinese or Japanese languages (due in large part to our own failure as parents to reinforce their teachings in them), I do wholeheartedly wish that they at least recognize the importance of knowing their roots.  I hope they recognize that their ancestors were Chinese and Japanese and that they had their own unique sets of cultures and customs.  I hope to show them these customs as much as I can and for them to pass them forward to generations beyond.

This is why I try my best to engage our family with the festivities of major holidays and festivals of the Chinese and Japanese cultures.  The major holidays/festivals that we try to recognize each year include:

• Chinese/Lunar New Year
• Japanese Girls Day (Hinamatsuri - March 3) celebrates/prays for the safety of children.  As the name implies, this festival gears mainly towards the celebration of girls.
• Japanese Childrens’ Day (Kodomo no hi - May 5) celebrates the happiness of all children and expresses gratitude toward mothers.  In the past this holiday was geared more towards boys but had been changed to celebrate all children in more recent years.
• Chinese Qingming Festival (usually around April 5) is a day to remember and honor one’s ancestors at their grave sites.
• Japanese Obon festival (usually around August 15) honors the spirits of one's ancestors.
• Chinese Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (August 15 of the Lunar calendar) is a day to gather with families and give thanks to a good harvest and harmonious unions.

At the young age of 3 and 1, Chloe and Ethan have a long way to go before they understand the meanings that these holidays/festivals carry.  For now, they just like to partake in the festivities surrounding them, including the foods and fun.  For Chloe, the pretty cultural outfits add another layer of fun to it all.

Japanese Obon Festival 8/4/13

Lunar New Year 2013

Lunar New Year 2012

Japanese Girls Day 2010

Sweet Moment – Rock-a-bye Baby

It is Saturday April 20, 2013.  I just had a really sweet moment with my 3.5 year-old daughter.  A moment that I want to cherish forever. 

After a beautiful and fun-filled day at the Cherry Blossom Festival in San Francisco’s Japantown, our conversation at bedtime went like this:

Me:  Did you have fun today?

Chloe:  Yes.

Me:  Mommy will always try to take you to fun places and have lots of fun with you okay?

Chloe:  Because you love me.

We then hugged each other really tightly.  We began to sway in each other’s embrace, as if we were dancing. 

Me:  Are we dancing?

Chloe:  Yeah.

Me:  But where’s the music?

Chloe:  Sing “Rock-a-bye Baby” Mommy.

Awwwww……my baby, at 3.5 years old, still wants to be my baby.  At that moment, as we were swaying to "Rock-a-bye Baby", she didn’t want to be my big girl.  She wanted to be my baby.  I have to cherish this moment. 

God knows in 10 years or so when she is a teenager, our conversation will probably sound more like:  “I hate you!  I wish I was not your daughter!”

Happy First Birthday ETF!

I can't believe this guy turned one-year-old today.  Where does the time go?  Where's the Pause button?

Refinancing Done - For Real This Time

The following blog was originally posted in the morning of Wednesday, January 16, 2013.  But I eventually pulled it offline that evening due to an unexpected turn of events.  Here is the original post:

Happy New Year to us!

Signed, sealed and money will be saved! That's because we just signed closing documents to refinance our home mortgage and we are set to save over $400 per month. This monthly saving is a lot more than we had originally hoped for, due in large part to good timing and sheer luck. 

When we first started the process of refinancing, we were looking for an appraisal value of $X to get an interest rate of 3.875% at no cost no fee. If our appraisal came back lower than that, we would've had to pay a fee of $1500 to get the rate. The appraisal was done on 12/18/2012 but due to the holidays, the final report did not come out until 1/2/2013. Our minds were blown away when we saw our home’s appraised value. It was $60k more than we had hoped. This value was, in our minds, unreachable when we first started looking into refinancing. But because two houses near us had just sold for way over asking price, the value of our house shot up with their selling prices. Thus, the timing of our appraisal happening just after those houses had sold helped us tremendously.

After seeing our ridiculously high appraisal, we asked our loan agent Tracie if it wasn’t too late to pursue a lower rate. Sure enough, we were allowed to go with another type of refinancing program with the same lender that offered a lower rate of 3.625%, still at no point no fee and without having to do any additional paperwork. Of course we asked to switch to that program and then patiently awaited documents to sign.

A week later, as the documents were being prepared, Tracie’s company was named the 2013 premiere broker for this lender and was offered to pass on certain incentives to a few select customers. Tracie selected us to pass on the incentive of a 0.125% interest rate discount plus a cash bonus. In essence, the timing of our refinance happening during the holidays and having been pushed into the New Year had brought us not only a lower rate but also a cash bonus. That is the beauty of good timing and sheer luck!

Now, after more than a month and spanning two calendar years from start to finish, we successfully refinanced our home mortgage to 3.5% (that’s 1.375% lower than our current rate) plus a cash bonus large enough to cover the Feb 2013 installment of our property tax. That’s quite a Happy New Year gift to us!

So I thought  our signing of the loan documents meant the deal was sealed and our part was done.  But I was wrong.  The day after we signed the documents, our loan agent called to relay an inquiry from the lender, one that they evidently neglected to clarify BEFORE approving our loan.  Long story short, it took another week after we signed the documents to clarify their inquiry to their satisfaction and ultimately the last steps to close our loan were taken on January 23rd.  Fortunately this hindsight of theirs did not cost us our loan.  Again, luck was on our side that our rate was locked late in the process and was in effect for another 2 weeks before the closing absolutely had to take place.  Nevertheless, because they didn't dot their I's or crossed their T's before they approved the loan only to come back later with more hoops for us to jump through, we were stressed out that last week before the loan finally closed.  Some people complain refinancing is too much hassle.  If our savings wasn't that big with this refinance I may have agreed.

Our Lil Slugger

We couldn't be more proud of Chloe at her 1st baseball class with Lil Sluggers this past Saturday.  This was her first formal instructional class outside of school.  At first we thought it would take at least a session or two for her to warm up to the structure of the class but after just a few minutes to warm up to the different faces, she dove right into the activities.  She did as the coaches directed and followed the flow of things.  At the end she had fun and is looking forward to her next class.

We do not dare to aspire for her to become great at this sport or any sport we will sign her up for in the future.  We just want her to participate, try different things, learn to be part of a team, be confident of her abilities, and most importantly, have fun.

Coach:  Railroad tracks (spreading legs for a comfortable stance), tap the T, load up, swing through.

The Family Artiste

I am collecting and documenting these earlier masterpieces from our budding artist.  Just in case she gets famous in the future and these may be worth a few pennies.  This one was created in the evening hours of Wednesday, December 19, 2012.  It features Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan, who all look quite sad and/or angry.  Daddy also looks a little (or a lot) disheveled with spots on his face and a 5 o’clock shadow.  The water mark on the top right corner makes this all the more authentic.

3-Year and 9-Month Stats

Chloe and Ethan had their checkups scheduled for the same day on 12/14/12.  Here are their current stats.

Chloe at 3-years-old:
29.25 lbs = 13th percentile
35.25 inches = 35th percentile
She grew 2 inches and almost 5 pounds in one year.

Ethan at 9-months-old:
18 lb 13 oz = 34th percentile
28 in = 34th percentile
45 cm head circumference
He grew 2.75 inches and 3 pounds in three months.

Way to grow kids!

Happy 3rd Birthday Chloe!

Already three?  How can this be?  You will always be mommy's baby.

Chloe's 1st School Portraits

My baby girl took her first official school portraits on October 8, 2012.  I can't believe how quickly she is growing up.  I must remember to pause from my busy work every now and then to savor up the moments of my child's life.

Since picture day happened to be Columbus Day and Ethan's daycare center was closed for the holiday, Ethan came along with me to his Big Sister's school to help Big Sister with her outfit and hair.  While there, we saw that other parents had brought siblings to take pictures with their school kids.  One mother even joined in and took some portraits with her sons!  Following their lead, I put Ethan in for a few poses as well.  All the pictures came out really nicely.  Here is a collage of a few of my favorites.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from Ethan the Dragon and Chloe the Chicken! A home-made chicken. Grandma made the costume.

Random Chloe Moments/Sayings

10/3/12: We were singing "If you're happy and you know it snap your fingers" in the car on the way to school, she said "My hand is too small I can't snap my fingers."

9/17/12:  Tucked her in FOR THE 3RD TIME tonight and yet she still found another excuse to get out of bed. "Mommy, got to hug and kiss first.".

9/13/12:  She finally mastered how to do 2 and 3 with her fingers. And since she already knew how to do 1, 4 and 5, I threw her a curve ball and asked her to do 6. Her face turned really serious and she shook her head and said, "No, you can't do 6."

8/14/12: Tutu, ballerina slippers, leg warmers, fisherman hat, and the shirt she was already wearing today. She put all that together and said "I'm a princess. You like it Mommy?" 

Ethan's 1st Haircut

Ethan got his first haircut a day before he turned 6 months.  His hair stylist was no other than his loving Bachan.  He started off cooperating very nicely.  He sat in his Bumble seat and let Bachan move his head this way and that way to shave and cut.  Big sister Chloe helped by spraying water on his hair, both when asked for and when not.  Then about 3/4 of the way through, he started fussing and wanted out.  I held him in my arms to let Bachan finish up the task.  And now he proudly rocks his new hairdo, looking sharper and cuter than ever.

ETF is 6 Months Old!

I blink my eyes and voila! he's 6-months-old.

The Family Rivalry

When Mommy is a San Francisco Giants fan and Daddy is an Oakland A's fan, the kids get caught in the crossfire.  

My Sleeping Beauties

Sleep..it's so readily available for kids, but so elusive for their parents.

ETF is 1-Month-Old

Happy 1-month-old to our little dragon boy!

Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.

Note:  I started drafting the following entry on Friday, March 9th.  I didn't post it right away because I was allowing myself another day or two to collect more thoughts about the pregnancy.  Little did I know at the time that another day or two later ETF would already be born and I would have no time to post the entry before my pregnancy was over.  Here is the blog entry as it was drafted on Friday March 9, 2012 (two days before ETF was born) and now posted on Thursday, April 5, 2012 (25 days after ETF was born).


Random Thoughts About This Pregnancy (written Friday, March 9, 2012)


1. More queasiness in the first trimester as compared to last pregnancy.  Last pregnancy was pretty much symptom-free.  This time around I was constantly tired during the first few months.  I also felt dizzy.  In fact, now I  sometimes get reminded of those feelings of dizziness if I do something I had done in the first trimester.  For example, during my first trimester Chloe watched a lot of "Wonder Pets" on Netflix.  Then she stopped watching this show for a while.  Recently she asked to watch it again.  I sat with her to watch it and interestingly I had a deja vu  feeling of the dizziness again.  No, it's not the show that gets me dizzy, it's the reminder of my first trimester.


2. Both Randy and I have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy as much as last time and the reason is Chloe.  She is taking our attention away with her needs.  This is vastly unlike last time when we had no kid to attend to and we were 100% focused on the pregnancy.  This time I wonder if we are even 50% focused.  For me, maybe.  But for Randy, probably much less since he's taking on caring for Chloe more.


3. Since it's sort of a been-there-done-that experience, the experience this time is definitely less novel or unique. Not only to us, but for people around us as well.  I guess that's the unfairness associated with being #2.  Sorry ETF.


4.  At around the same time I got pregnant, my company announced it was going into bankruptcy reorganization.  After months of speculation of what is going to happen, now the company is in the process of transferring ownership to our three primary creditors.  Rumors also have it that the new owners are simultaneously in the process of selling our flagship station in the SF market to another company.  My job duties span across 3 stations in SF - the flagship station rumored to be being sold and two smaller ethnic stations for which I take on a main role in their operations.  It's not over-exaggerating to say the reason these two other stations function so smoothly is because of me.  But...as they say in business, nothing/no one is irreplaceable.  With the new owners taking charge, no one in the company is safe from being replaced or all out eliminated.


The dark cloud of possibly losing my job has been hanging over me since the beginning of this pregnancy.  As optimistic as I am, I am also realistic. With two mouths to feed plus a mortgage to pay, Randy and I cannot afford losing one income.  I started to look for a new job back in September (still within my first trimester) to hedge against being laid off.  I had a good interview with one company who seemed very interested in me.  But for whatever reason they dragged their feet in the hiring process and didn't reach out to me again until late December.  They were ready to offer me the job with the caveat of needing me to travel for training in late January, which would have been well into my third trimester.  Not sure whether or not I should travel in my third trimester plus the uncertainty of insurance benefits with a new company (whether or not paid maternity kicks in right away) plus having to take a lot of time off for doctor visits during the probation period as a new hire, etc etc all pointed to changing jobs in my third trimester as NOT being a good idea.  So this company and I came to a mutual agreement that we will delay the prospect of me joining their team until I am done with my maternity leave.  We agreed to reconvene when I'm ready and see where things are for both parties. So...due to no fault of ETF's....it's just all a big "bad timing", I couldn't seize the opportunity for a new job even though I was proactive in looking for one.


When news of the bankruptcy first broke, I wasn't sure how quickly I will lose my job and subsequently my insurance coverage.  Will this drag on long enough for me to go into the delivery room with my current insurance?  If I have to jump over to Randy's insurance, will we have enough time to get the change processed?  Will I have to change doctor and hospital affiliation because Randy is on a totally different network?  All those were my concerns earlier in my pregnancy and the company's bankruptcy proceedings.  Now that we are already in the calendar month of ETF's arrival, I can rest easier knowing that I can go into the delivery room with insurance coverage with my own doctor at our chosen hospital.  This is one big financial relief.  However, as I prepare to go on maternity leave, the idea of possibly not having a job to return to still lingers.  All these worked together in the last many months to darken the mood of happily awaiting the arrival of a new baby.


Post Note: Last week my work formally informed me that I will be retained at my job after the bankruptcy proceedings are over.  Even though our flagship station will be sold, I am needed to run the remaining two ethnic stations.  I will be retained at my current salary and benefits.  The dark cloud of possibly losing my job has finally passed and I lived to say I have weathered the storm.

ETF

In less than 2 weeks, the newest addition to our family will be joining us.  While his official due date is 3/30/12 (Daddy's birthday), we have a planned C-section scheduled for 3/23/12.  Today, at 37 weeks gestation, he is already head down and in position to come out.  With my achy body and inability to sleep comfortably, I'm ready for him to come out at any time.  I feel like I've been pregnant forever and wouldn't mind just getting it over with sooner rather than later.  He has also been kicking a lot lately.  At times I feel like he will puncture my water sack with his constant kicking.  That's what happened with Chloe when she came 10 days early.  Who's to say little brother will not follow suit.

However, there are downsides to having him early.  They are:

1. I'm still slated to work one more week.  So I have had no rest yet.

2. Having him out means having an alarm clock that sounds every 2-3 hours.  But this is bound to happen anyway, whether it starts now or 2 weeks from now.  This could very well fall under the "get it done sooner rather than later" category.

3. If he comes unexpectedly, he may not be delivered by my doctor, Dr. Stephanie Chun.  We were very fortunately to have Dr. Chun perform Chloe's C-section 2 years ago.  She happened to be on duty the time my delivery had to take place.  (After 18 hours of labor, the shift had actually just changed from Dr. Shu to Dr. Chun.)  Dr. Chun did an extraordinary job.  My incision point was clean.  I had had no infections or side effects from the surgery.  I healed quickly and nicely from her great handy work.  She also has a very soothing and warm demeanor that makes her patients feel comfortable. Plus, she was nice enough to let us schedule ETF's C-section on her birthday, a day she originally planned to have off. (We chose 3/23 because that is the earliest date allowed by either insurance or the medical board based on the official due date.)

Since Dr. Chun has been my primary OB, I'm less familiar/comfortable with the other 3 others on her team.  I know for a fact that one of them, Dr. Hu, is brand new.  She joined the practice just this year.  Her experience definitely lacks behind that of Dr. Chun's, who's been in this practice for many years.  On the opposite end of that spectrum is Dr. Shu, she's been in the practice even longer than Dr. Chun, thus making her the most experienced doctor on the team.  However, she has a drill sergeant-like demeanor that is hated by many, including all the nurses in the hospital and myself.  She speaks with a condescending tone and makes people around her feel inferior.  Whenever I asked her questions, she often answered in a way that made me feel like those were stupid questions to ask.  The last doctor, Dr. Chu, falls somewhere in between Dr. Chun and Dr. Shu both in terms of her years of experience and her personality.  If ETF does indeed come early, we will have to take whichever doctor happens to be on duty.

Point #3 is probably the biggest downside to ETF coming early. #1 and #2 are things we can deal with.  #3 relates to the quality of care we will receive so it's of greater significance.  But hey, #3 may end up being a non-factor if we are lucky enough to end up with Dr. Chun again.  The chance of that is 1 in 4.  We hit that 25% jackpot last time with Chloe's delivery.  Let's see what our luck is like this time around.