Cloudy with a chance of...

(This entry was written in bed with my iPhone at 11pm on Saturday, August 17, 2013.)

The dark cloud surrounding my work the last couple years hasn't even lifted and now another dark cloud has formed. The threat of this one is even scarier.

I went to my first screening mammogram on August 10.  With no known family history of breast cancer and having never felt anything remotely peculiar with my self examinations, I went to the mammogram with no doubt in my mind the result will be negative. This was just going to be another routine that I, like all other women, have to go through.

Results from the mammogram were not expected for 2-4 weeks.  I was surprised to get a call from the CPMC Breast Health Center just 4 days later on August 14 that they had already reviewed my X-rays.  I was even more surprised (shocked really) to hear that they saw something suspicious and would like me to return for further testing.  Normally this would have plunged me into a deep worry and all sorts of end-of-the-world scenarios would have filled my thoughts.  Fortunately a couple of my close friends had warned me prior to the mammogram that women our age usually have denser breast tissues and tend to yield higher than normal "false positive" results on their first mammograms.  In fact the statistic is at 40% false positives.  Having known this information beforehand helped me to stay calm upon receiving that otherwise dreadful call.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all.  But it did prevent the panic from setting in right away.  I calmly told myself to take it one step at a time.  Go back for more testing and see what comes out of it.

On Friday, August 16, I went back to the Breast Health Center, this time for a diagnostic mammogram, which consists of more X-rays from many different angles.  I was hoping these pictures would clear the air of what they thought to have looked suspicious and they would send me home with a clean bill of health, which is something I've grown accustomed to and have taken for granted almost all 38 years of my life.  Unfortunately that didn't happen.  The extra shots from all the different angles proved there is indeed a mass of tissue that we need to be concerned with.

They then sent me into another room to perform a breast ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician zoomed into the area of concern and pointed out to me what she called a breast lump followed by some medical term that I cannot grasp nor remember even on a normal day, let along at a time when I was lying on a medical table being told "omg you have this thing here that doesn't belong".  I asked if she thought it was benign.  She said yes it probably is.  I asked why.  She said because it is so smooth and oval.  Cancerous cells are usually odd-shaped.  This appeased me a little but not enough.  Worry is starting to set in.

The Radiologist (who I never got to meet) suggested I go for a biopsy.  I scheduled it for Wednesday, August 21.  It will be a 30-minute outpatient procedure but they said to plan on being there for a total of 2 hours.  The doctor will apply local anesthesia to the breast, insert a needle while being guided by ultrasound and extract a small amount of tissue for laboratory analysis.  Results will be available after 2-3 days.

At this point the panic button is officially pressed.  It's been about 40 hours since the confirmation of the unknown lump.  Since then I've secretly cried twice.  Tears are forming again as I compose this blog. The few people who I've confided with told me success stories of their family members or friends who had experienced the same thing and are now living normal and healthy lives.  I once again tell myself to take it one step at a time and await the biopsy results.  But I can't help but think thoughts like my kids are just 3 and 1, I need to stick around to watch them grow up.  I have to watch them go to kindergarten, graduate from college, get married. I recently showed Chloe my preserved wedding gown.  I want to see her wear it when she walks down the aisle.  They are so young, if I leave them now, they may not even remember what I look like when they get older.  How is Randy going to manage raising them by himself?   He can't even handle it when I'm around.  He would be a wreck without me.  I even looked into my life insurance policy, which I purchased many years ago before I got married/bought a house/had kids. The death benefit isn't enough to cover the principal of our mortgage.  I can't leave Randy with two young kids to raise AND a mortgage to pay off all by himself.  I can't leave right now!!!  (Note I am refusing to use the D word.)

The biopsy result must come back positively.  Not positive, but positively, as in the lump is benign and I don't have to worry anymore.  As in I will be able to live to see my kids grow up.  As in I don't need to rush to up my life insurance policy (although it is still a good idea and I will still look into it).

So...my forecast these days is cloudy with a chance of...