Cloudy with a chance of...

(This entry was written in bed with my iPhone at 11pm on Saturday, August 17, 2013.)

The dark cloud surrounding my work the last couple years hasn't even lifted and now another dark cloud has formed. The threat of this one is even scarier.

I went to my first screening mammogram on August 10.  With no known family history of breast cancer and having never felt anything remotely peculiar with my self examinations, I went to the mammogram with no doubt in my mind the result will be negative. This was just going to be another routine that I, like all other women, have to go through.

Results from the mammogram were not expected for 2-4 weeks.  I was surprised to get a call from the CPMC Breast Health Center just 4 days later on August 14 that they had already reviewed my X-rays.  I was even more surprised (shocked really) to hear that they saw something suspicious and would like me to return for further testing.  Normally this would have plunged me into a deep worry and all sorts of end-of-the-world scenarios would have filled my thoughts.  Fortunately a couple of my close friends had warned me prior to the mammogram that women our age usually have denser breast tissues and tend to yield higher than normal "false positive" results on their first mammograms.  In fact the statistic is at 40% false positives.  Having known this information beforehand helped me to stay calm upon receiving that otherwise dreadful call.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all.  But it did prevent the panic from setting in right away.  I calmly told myself to take it one step at a time.  Go back for more testing and see what comes out of it.

On Friday, August 16, I went back to the Breast Health Center, this time for a diagnostic mammogram, which consists of more X-rays from many different angles.  I was hoping these pictures would clear the air of what they thought to have looked suspicious and they would send me home with a clean bill of health, which is something I've grown accustomed to and have taken for granted almost all 38 years of my life.  Unfortunately that didn't happen.  The extra shots from all the different angles proved there is indeed a mass of tissue that we need to be concerned with.

They then sent me into another room to perform a breast ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician zoomed into the area of concern and pointed out to me what she called a breast lump followed by some medical term that I cannot grasp nor remember even on a normal day, let along at a time when I was lying on a medical table being told "omg you have this thing here that doesn't belong".  I asked if she thought it was benign.  She said yes it probably is.  I asked why.  She said because it is so smooth and oval.  Cancerous cells are usually odd-shaped.  This appeased me a little but not enough.  Worry is starting to set in.

The Radiologist (who I never got to meet) suggested I go for a biopsy.  I scheduled it for Wednesday, August 21.  It will be a 30-minute outpatient procedure but they said to plan on being there for a total of 2 hours.  The doctor will apply local anesthesia to the breast, insert a needle while being guided by ultrasound and extract a small amount of tissue for laboratory analysis.  Results will be available after 2-3 days.

At this point the panic button is officially pressed.  It's been about 40 hours since the confirmation of the unknown lump.  Since then I've secretly cried twice.  Tears are forming again as I compose this blog. The few people who I've confided with told me success stories of their family members or friends who had experienced the same thing and are now living normal and healthy lives.  I once again tell myself to take it one step at a time and await the biopsy results.  But I can't help but think thoughts like my kids are just 3 and 1, I need to stick around to watch them grow up.  I have to watch them go to kindergarten, graduate from college, get married. I recently showed Chloe my preserved wedding gown.  I want to see her wear it when she walks down the aisle.  They are so young, if I leave them now, they may not even remember what I look like when they get older.  How is Randy going to manage raising them by himself?   He can't even handle it when I'm around.  He would be a wreck without me.  I even looked into my life insurance policy, which I purchased many years ago before I got married/bought a house/had kids. The death benefit isn't enough to cover the principal of our mortgage.  I can't leave Randy with two young kids to raise AND a mortgage to pay off all by himself.  I can't leave right now!!!  (Note I am refusing to use the D word.)

The biopsy result must come back positively.  Not positive, but positively, as in the lump is benign and I don't have to worry anymore.  As in I will be able to live to see my kids grow up.  As in I don't need to rush to up my life insurance policy (although it is still a good idea and I will still look into it).

So...my forecast these days is cloudy with a chance of...

Knowing Their Roots

By ethnicity, my children are 75% Chinese and 25% Japanese.  But I know that growing up in America, they will most likely behave, speak, and overall conduct themselves as 100% American.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I just hope to instill in them the importance of recognizing their roots.  

I am very fortunate to be raised by immigrant parents who taught my brothers and me our Chinese traditions and customs.  I grew up knowing I am both American and Chinese.  I speak and write both languages.  I know the customs and values of both cultures. Sometimes I recognize with one culture more strongly than with the other but other times the reverse occurs.  I am proud of this dual identity.

While I've already given in to the fact that my children will never be fluent in the Chinese or Japanese languages (due in large part to our own failure as parents to reinforce their teachings in them), I do wholeheartedly wish that they at least recognize the importance of knowing their roots.  I hope they recognize that their ancestors were Chinese and Japanese and that they had their own unique sets of cultures and customs.  I hope to show them these customs as much as I can and for them to pass them forward to generations beyond.

This is why I try my best to engage our family with the festivities of major holidays and festivals of the Chinese and Japanese cultures.  The major holidays/festivals that we try to recognize each year include:

• Chinese/Lunar New Year
• Japanese Girls Day (Hinamatsuri - March 3) celebrates/prays for the safety of children.  As the name implies, this festival gears mainly towards the celebration of girls.
• Japanese Childrens’ Day (Kodomo no hi - May 5) celebrates the happiness of all children and expresses gratitude toward mothers.  In the past this holiday was geared more towards boys but had been changed to celebrate all children in more recent years.
• Chinese Qingming Festival (usually around April 5) is a day to remember and honor one’s ancestors at their grave sites.
• Japanese Obon festival (usually around August 15) honors the spirits of one's ancestors.
• Chinese Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (August 15 of the Lunar calendar) is a day to gather with families and give thanks to a good harvest and harmonious unions.

At the young age of 3 and 1, Chloe and Ethan have a long way to go before they understand the meanings that these holidays/festivals carry.  For now, they just like to partake in the festivities surrounding them, including the foods and fun.  For Chloe, the pretty cultural outfits add another layer of fun to it all.

Japanese Obon Festival 8/4/13

Lunar New Year 2013

Lunar New Year 2012

Japanese Girls Day 2010

Sweet Moment – Rock-a-bye Baby

It is Saturday April 20, 2013.  I just had a really sweet moment with my 3.5 year-old daughter.  A moment that I want to cherish forever. 

After a beautiful and fun-filled day at the Cherry Blossom Festival in San Francisco’s Japantown, our conversation at bedtime went like this:

Me:  Did you have fun today?

Chloe:  Yes.

Me:  Mommy will always try to take you to fun places and have lots of fun with you okay?

Chloe:  Because you love me.

We then hugged each other really tightly.  We began to sway in each other’s embrace, as if we were dancing. 

Me:  Are we dancing?

Chloe:  Yeah.

Me:  But where’s the music?

Chloe:  Sing “Rock-a-bye Baby” Mommy.

Awwwww……my baby, at 3.5 years old, still wants to be my baby.  At that moment, as we were swaying to "Rock-a-bye Baby", she didn’t want to be my big girl.  She wanted to be my baby.  I have to cherish this moment. 

God knows in 10 years or so when she is a teenager, our conversation will probably sound more like:  “I hate you!  I wish I was not your daughter!”

Happy First Birthday ETF!

I can't believe this guy turned one-year-old today.  Where does the time go?  Where's the Pause button?

Refinancing Done - For Real This Time

The following blog was originally posted in the morning of Wednesday, January 16, 2013.  But I eventually pulled it offline that evening due to an unexpected turn of events.  Here is the original post:

Happy New Year to us!

Signed, sealed and money will be saved! That's because we just signed closing documents to refinance our home mortgage and we are set to save over $400 per month. This monthly saving is a lot more than we had originally hoped for, due in large part to good timing and sheer luck. 

When we first started the process of refinancing, we were looking for an appraisal value of $X to get an interest rate of 3.875% at no cost no fee. If our appraisal came back lower than that, we would've had to pay a fee of $1500 to get the rate. The appraisal was done on 12/18/2012 but due to the holidays, the final report did not come out until 1/2/2013. Our minds were blown away when we saw our home’s appraised value. It was $60k more than we had hoped. This value was, in our minds, unreachable when we first started looking into refinancing. But because two houses near us had just sold for way over asking price, the value of our house shot up with their selling prices. Thus, the timing of our appraisal happening just after those houses had sold helped us tremendously.

After seeing our ridiculously high appraisal, we asked our loan agent Tracie if it wasn’t too late to pursue a lower rate. Sure enough, we were allowed to go with another type of refinancing program with the same lender that offered a lower rate of 3.625%, still at no point no fee and without having to do any additional paperwork. Of course we asked to switch to that program and then patiently awaited documents to sign.

A week later, as the documents were being prepared, Tracie’s company was named the 2013 premiere broker for this lender and was offered to pass on certain incentives to a few select customers. Tracie selected us to pass on the incentive of a 0.125% interest rate discount plus a cash bonus. In essence, the timing of our refinance happening during the holidays and having been pushed into the New Year had brought us not only a lower rate but also a cash bonus. That is the beauty of good timing and sheer luck!

Now, after more than a month and spanning two calendar years from start to finish, we successfully refinanced our home mortgage to 3.5% (that’s 1.375% lower than our current rate) plus a cash bonus large enough to cover the Feb 2013 installment of our property tax. That’s quite a Happy New Year gift to us!

So I thought  our signing of the loan documents meant the deal was sealed and our part was done.  But I was wrong.  The day after we signed the documents, our loan agent called to relay an inquiry from the lender, one that they evidently neglected to clarify BEFORE approving our loan.  Long story short, it took another week after we signed the documents to clarify their inquiry to their satisfaction and ultimately the last steps to close our loan were taken on January 23rd.  Fortunately this hindsight of theirs did not cost us our loan.  Again, luck was on our side that our rate was locked late in the process and was in effect for another 2 weeks before the closing absolutely had to take place.  Nevertheless, because they didn't dot their I's or crossed their T's before they approved the loan only to come back later with more hoops for us to jump through, we were stressed out that last week before the loan finally closed.  Some people complain refinancing is too much hassle.  If our savings wasn't that big with this refinance I may have agreed.

Our Lil Slugger

We couldn't be more proud of Chloe at her 1st baseball class with Lil Sluggers this past Saturday.  This was her first formal instructional class outside of school.  At first we thought it would take at least a session or two for her to warm up to the structure of the class but after just a few minutes to warm up to the different faces, she dove right into the activities.  She did as the coaches directed and followed the flow of things.  At the end she had fun and is looking forward to her next class.

We do not dare to aspire for her to become great at this sport or any sport we will sign her up for in the future.  We just want her to participate, try different things, learn to be part of a team, be confident of her abilities, and most importantly, have fun.

Coach:  Railroad tracks (spreading legs for a comfortable stance), tap the T, load up, swing through.